The Sunrise Warrior

My Big Decision – Telling My Mom

Ten months ago: I’m on my way to work and I have a strong urge to drive to the cemetery and visit my mom. I have this undeniable feeling that my mother is trying to send me a message from beyond. I felt a similar urge to visit my father at the cemetery three months earlier and less than a week later my mother passed away.

That day visiting my father’s grave, I decided to tell my mom I had a secret I had been keeping from her for forty-three years. Doing so broke her heart but for once in my life, I needed to do something for me. I finally told my mother I was molested for seven years as a child under her roof by a man she raised me to respect and admire. I have to trust my gut again.

I’m driving to the cemetery. Maybe her message will become clear. 

Three months earlier I am driving to work having doubts about a recent decision to share my secret with my mother and a sudden uncontrollable urge tells me I need to go to the cemetery and visit my father who passed away forty-three years ago when I was six years of age. I didn’t go to the cemetery often, so this feeling is completely new to me. I turn my car around and drive to the cemetery instead of work.

I arrive and stand by my father’s gravesite. I feel this growing clarity and confidence to move forward and tell my mother about the molestation. It is as if my father is willing me to do so. I don’t ever recall receiving a message from someone who passed on but I knew I had to follow it.

Telling my mother is something I have wrestled with for decades but I always found a reason not to do it. Today I have new clarity and resolve. 

I am going to go to my mother’s house directly after work to talk to her. The time had finally come for it to happen. I am driven to get it done and get this baggage off my back. I know it will hurt her but I have to do it for me. That is the message I received at the cemetery.

I have tried to protect my mother for many years but she needs to understand this fuel that burns inside of me. I am not going there to get mad or angry. I am going to find peace and hopefully help her through the painful acceptance of what happened to me while she was on watch.

Tears of Relief and Frustration

As I walk to the car from my father’s gravesite, a rush of emotions hit me and I start to cry uncontrollably. I think it is from relief that my doubts about the decision to share my story with my mother are finally put to rest. As I sit in my car trying to gain control of my emotions my phone rings. It is my wife. She is calling me with an update on my mother.

My mother reached out to her to let us know that she has an advanced case of leukemia. My emotions take over again and my wife and I cry a little bit more. I tell my wife where I am and why I’m there. My wife has helped me keep my secret for the past twenty-three years. I start to grow frustrated as I talk with my wife.

I finally find the clarity I need to tell my mom and minutes later find out she has a new health battle to add to her many challenges. And this battle will likely be her most difficult. How can I tell my mother my secret today with this new information!? I am incredibly sad with this news of mom’s leukemia, but I have to admit some tears are because I found a new reason to delay my difficult conversation.

Renewed Clarity, Again

I sit in the car at the cemetery and ponder life with my wife on the phone. The truth is there is never going to be the right time to tell my mother. That’s why the decision to do so has lingered all these years. With what feels like divine intervention from my father, I renew my commitment to move forward as planned and tell my mother anyway.

I call my mother and we talk about her new diagnosis. I tell her that she and I would get through her newest health battle together just as we did the others. Mom is a fighter and I am always in her corner. She can tell I am emotional and she asked if I am okay. I tell her I have something important to share with her and ask if I can stop over after work. She agrees and the wheels are set in motion for an even more emotional ride ahead. 

Her Heartbreak

For seven hours my mother and I talk that evening. I tell her my story and she is devastated. I watch her as she replays the many clues in her head and begins to realize that an important and respected man in our family was truly a monster. I watch her heart break as it began to sink in that she failed in her most precious job, to protect her young child.

The two of us cry and embrace but she can hardly look me in the eyes. She is heartbroken and she realizes she failed me.

The raw emotion is unconsolable, as it should be. Deep down inside I need to see that.

The night ends with a long hug, her heartfelt apology, and my acceptance. I tell her I will check in on her the next day and for her to try to get some rest. I go home to my family.

Check-In

The next day mom calls me and sounds terrible. She has the chills. I keep her on the phone as I drive to her house to check on her. Once I arrive I find her thermostat set to 77 degrees and she is under layers and layers of covers with her in her bed. She has on a heavy robe and a heating pad too but she still can’t get warm.

All she can do is apologize to me. I call 911 and an ambulance comes and rushes her to the emergency room. I follow behind to be by her side.

Rest In Peace

After a six-day battle in the intensive care unit, mom passes away with me and my younger brother by her side. Her death certificate reads that she died of pneumonia and septic shock but I will always have my doubts. I believe she died of a broken heart. Somehow, I am still glad I told her my story.

She died finally knowing who her son is. He is a WARRIOR and he is a PROTECTOR. He is stronger than she knew possible. That gives me PEACE.

Three Months Later

I sit here by the gravesite where my mother and father lay reunited after forty-three years, I have a new bout with divine intervention. Today, the voices in my head are telling me to WRITE RIGHT NOW. Word vomit if necessary but start writing.

So as I sit here these words are hitting my journal page. I’m not exactly sure where I am going or how I’m going to get there, but I am looking to peel back a deeper understanding of my PEACE and STRENGTH. I want to use the fire I have burning within to help others turn their struggle into their strength.

It is time we are set free from whatever MONSTER is holding us back. It’s time for our SUNRISE. It’s finally time to recognize, love, and celebrate the WARRIOR that is in us!

Today

The Sunrise Warrior blog is born. Thank you for stopping by to visit. I hope you come back frequently to find a message of HOPE.

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I look forward to our collective sharing and growth together as thrivers!