I’d like to share my journal entry from two years ago…
Sharing My Freedom
Yesterday was a tough day for my wife and me. As I continue to heal and grow stronger, I can feel myself growing obsessed with helping others do the same. It’s like I successfully broke out of a prisoner of war camp, and now I want to return for all the others still being held captive.
My Dark Secret
My wife and I have been together for over twenty-five years. She has always had my back. I trust her. I always have, which is difficult for someone with trust issues. My wife was the first person I ever told about my deep dark secret. I was molested by a close family friend for seven years when I was a child.
I shared my story with my wife pretty early in our relationship. It was long before we were married. And even though she has known my secret for over two decades, we kept my story between us. Figuratively speaking, my story was kept in an “emotional box” in the corner of our living room. She likes to say the box was neatly wrapped, contained, and had a bow on it.
My past was our secret.
Cleaning Up the Occasional Mess
Every now and then, the emotional contents that were housed in my box would get a little messy, but my wife and I always found a way to get through it secretly. Even with my occasional self-sabotage and internal negative self-talk, my wife and I continued to grow as a couple and build strength in our relationship.
The truth is I was strong as hell back then, even if I struggled from time to time.
Years passed, and we grew our family and built a nice life together.
Time to Detonate the Box
Then a triggering event occurred. My little girl turned six. That’s when I understood the beauty of six-year-old innocence. That’s when I began understanding the manipulative nature and magnitude of the crime committed against me.
My monster was back from the dead to completely disturb the contents of my box. In fact, that neat little box in the corner got blown to fu*king pieces.
I was crushed and close to defeated. But I held out hope. And my hope finally paid off.
Time to Rebuild
I finally got professional help for my trauma. I’ve been on this path of self-discovery, deep thinking, deconstruction, and rebirth. It’s helped me find a new voice.
One of power and strength.
It’s now been eight years since my box blew up, and I’m stronger than ever!
While my wife is happy that I’m in this great place today, she kind of misses the neat box we kept in the corner of the room. The one only she and I knew about. And as I dream of opening up more to others about my childhood experience and my ability to turn my struggle into strength during my journey, my wife’s world is being threatened.
She is a bit scared. It’s like being a passenger in a car that you’re not driving. Her fear comes from a good place. She wants to protect our family, including our three children. We’ve always been private people during the highs and lows of our years together.
Most people think we have all of our $hit together. We give the appearance of confidence, class, and composure. I guess, in many ways, it is true. We are those people.
But this thing, the contents of my box, this is on another level. This is fu*king messy. Even my path toward healing and peace was littered with failures and pain.
Why Speak Up?
She questions…What good can come from showing the world the continents of the box? Here’s the thing for me.
As I speak freely to others in this community I am building, my true self is evolving. And that mother fu*ker is strong! When you run and hide from who you are for so long, owning it is truly fu*king powerful!
So for one, it’s internally healthy for me to share.
Second, the more I share my story, I see others finding strength. And it feels really fu*king good to have knowledge and experience that aids others in a path towards healing.
It turns out that success leaves clues, and I want to develop and share those clues with others.
Maybe I have an antidote that could be helpful.
Running into the Fire, Again!
So my gut has me running into the burning building again because I have found that the obstacle holds the key to my true freedom. An unfiltered image is certainly not one we’ve ever portrayed in the past. The thought of opening up scares the $hit out of my wife because she loses control.
We are careful and composed. People know what we want them to know.
This is anything but that. This is raw, authentic, and behind the curtain.
But there’s more I need to be mindful of…
I’ve had four decades to figure out why this happened to me, what there is to learn from it, and who that knowledge can impact in a positive way. I’ve also had the time to process how the worst thing ever happened to me has influenced me to grow positively.
My wife doesn’t have that freedom yet. She continues to suffer at the hand of my monster. She still grieves for what was lost.
In my deconstruction process, I shared more details with my wife about my experience as a child. With each shared detail, her anger and confusion grew. Her anger isn’t misguided. I had it too. But I’ve worked through it over time.
Plus, she’s a momma bear. And as a momma bear, she wants to go back in time and help that sweet, innocent little boy as more details have surfaced in her world.
My wife is a protector by nature, so she is angry with all the people in my life who didn’t protect me back then. She sees their failures, and she feels the pain of a mom.
A Monster Reincarnated
My monster has become her monster. Disrupting her life and threatening her security regularly, even though he has been dead for over a decade.
My wife needs some time to work through it, and I need to give her that time. I know what she is made of. I know she has the strength to do it, or I wouldn’t consider putting our struggle out there for the world to see.
New Strength and a New Voice
With time she will build strength and find her voice. And when she does, we will be unstoppable! For now, we have each other, and I need to remember that there is a break next to the gas pedal for good reason. We are incredibly powerful when we are in alignment.
It’s time for me to slow down to go fast.
It’s all part of the struggle.
Monsters continue to abuse long after they are gone.
It’s time for me to be a rock for my wife.
Present Day…Two Years Later…
We are getting stronger by the day. I feel the time will be here soon.
I look forward to our collective sharing and growth together as thrivers!
Below are revelations I’ve had over my years living as a victim of seven years of child molestation. These revelations represent the evolution of my…
*Trigger warning: substance abuse, sexual abuse. Today I live my life in the present with courage, purpose, and confidence in who I am, what I…