The Sunrise Warrior

Below are revelations I’ve had over my years living as a victim of seven years of child molestation. These revelations represent the evolution of my mind as I seek to find answers to complex questions. The words here represent a metamorphosis from a confused and powerless victim to a strong Sunrise Warrior!

*Trigger Warning: sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, rough language.

I am, and forever will be, a work in progress. But I’m going to keep moving forward! My journey to grow one percent better every day continues.

Seeking Help For Sexual Abuse Is a Sign Of Strength, Not Weakness

There was a time in my life that I swore I would take what happened to me to the grave. The thought of blowing the whistle back then scared the shit out of me. After all, he was a trusted community member, and I was simply a stupid kid.

I didn’t want to be labeled as a pervert or a “faggot” (language used at the time). I wanted to be normal like the other kids I grew up with. I was never going to speak a word of what happened. No fucking way.

After my years of molestation ended, I buried that shit as deep as it would go. Somehow, I made it out alive. And even though I drew a line in the sand and eventually beat him off of me, I thought it was years later than it should have been. All I wanted in the world was to be expected. So, I buried it deep and pursued my life.

For decades I never asked for help.

Alpha men are supposed to handle their shit. So, even though I struggled at times, I was hellbent on keeping that shit locked up tight and figuring it out on my own.

But when I was forty-two years old, a triggering event happened. And as a father, I had to protect my kids.

So, I asked for help for the first time in my life. And guess what happened?

I got it.

I learned that there is nothing more alpha than realizing you need help, putting your ego aside, and having the strength to ask someone for it. Asking for help is fucking badass. We are not supposed to have all the answers, and there is a strength that comes when you build a community around your struggles.

And if you, the reader, are struggling, simply being here and building a community around your struggle is pretty badass too. It is a sign of your strength. Now go be strong.

Physical Touch Can Be Pleasing and Confusing For Sexual Abuse Survivors

For a long time, I thought I was a fucking fraud. I thought I was a dick tease. How could I keep something from him that I once gave so openly? I couldn’t requisition a period during my abuse. In the beginning, I liked his attention, and I wanted how he made me feel. I felt as if I was a consenting participant. More on that later.

He took his time when he was courting me as a child. At first, he built a friendship and got me to open up to him. I was six when I lost my dad to alcohol abuse. My special friend was there to help me with emotional support when I needed someone to step up. We graduated to hugs. And then to extended hugs. Then there was light caressing and rubbing my back. Then the caressing advanced and so did the back rubbing.

Next, we took our clothes off and were naked.

I don’t remember the exact time frame, but I believe it unfolded over months. And each step he carefully pushed me a little farther. And each time, I liked the attention and how it made me feel.

So therein was my struggle. When I looked in the mirror, as I became aware and regretted my participation, I saw a boy who once enjoyed those interactions. I fucking hated that little boy and his poor decisions. It was another reason to bury that shit as deep as it would go and lock it up tight. I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of who I was.

But as I dug deep into this struggle, I’ve gotten comfortable in my skin, and maybe even more importantly, I’ve become accepting of my role in the relationship.

Our bodies are filled with thousands of sensory neurons. We shouldn’t be ashamed if we enjoyed interactions with our abuser.

Pedophiles use their powers of manipulation to convince us that they care. They slowly and carefully build trust. Remember, we didn’t have the mature brains we have now. We were children, and they were cunning and manipulative fucking monsters! Touch feels good. And so does attention. Let it go and forgive yourself.

We made it here against the odds. I’m fucking proud of that. And you should be too!

It’s Okay To Be Confused By Our Sexuality

As I matured, I was so confused. I was attracted to girls, but they were a foreign species.  I found myself curious about boys. After all, I knew and understood a man’s body. Plus, I had been sexually active with a man for years before I hit puberty. If you had forced me to declare my sexuality back, then I would have likely said I was bisexual.

But here’s the thing. I didn’t know who I was yet. And there’s no race to declare a team. I’ve learned that being molested by a man doesn’t make a boy gay any more than being molested by a woman makes him straight. Our sexuality is our choice. Our monsters didn’t give a shit about our choices. That’s why they are monsters. But we still get a choice!

I figured out who I was over time. I eventually met my wife, and now we have three beautiful children. There seems to be more pressure to plant your flag in the sand and declare who you are early in life. Fuck that! Take as much time as you need to figure that shit out. Not everything needs to be an open book. It’s natural to be confused. Embrace your confusion and allow time to do its magic.

Healing Is Out There, and I Am Proof

I’m going to warn you. I’m a bit extreme with this one. Hang with me for a minute. When I say healed, I mean healed. And I’m not talking about the…I’ve learned to live with it and accept it…type of healing. No, that’s not good enough. I’m talking about fully healing.

I struggled to find healing for many years too. I powered through the years after my abuse ended, but I certainly wasn’t healed. I forged a good life for myself, but I was still dealing with pain. And because I never worked through my issues or got comfortable in my skin, I played victim to my self-sabotage for many years.

It took an actual stressor trigger to put me on the path to healing. It was a long journey, but now I have found total peace.

I don’t struggle anymore. I don’t get triggered.

My triggering event was seeing my oldest child turn six. That’s when I realized the magnitude of the crime committed against me. I needed to work through the pain if I was going to have a great relationship with my kids. I felt sorrow, anger, and pain at the time. Their youth provided a time capsule for me to travel back in years and relive the past with my mature brain.

I wasn’t going to let my monster steal my beautiful relationship with my kids from me too. I would have crawled to hell and back for a chance to enjoy a great life with my kids. And that’s almost what I had to do. My freedom was worth every part of the journey. I am happier now than ever, and I’m just getting started.

So, if you continue to struggle, know that there are success stories like mine out there. And success leaves clues. Keep fighting for your healing. You don’t need to accept a watered-down version of it. Your freedom is worth fighting for. Oh, and by the way, your freedom is the ultimate fuck you to the monster who tried to steal your light!

Relax, Child Molestation Victims Are Not Predestined to Become Abusers Themselves

This one haunted me for decades. Even though a child has never aroused me, I lived in fear that one day I would find myself attracted to children. I was so fearful that I might become a monster myself. This one fucked with me so much. I even waited to have kids, even though I dreamed of a life with my children. I dreamed of being the dad I never had.

I made sure my wife knew about my past and my fears. I needed her to be their protector if my compass went astray. It was all bullshit. I’m not a child molester and never will be. I love my kids and other children too. I’m a protector of children. I appreciate their innocence because I know what it’s like to lose it.

We hear about the child abusers who were abused when they were children. So, it’s easy to connect the dots from being a victim to becoming an abuser. But we don’t hear much about the vast majority of child abuse victims who NEVER abuse a child themselves. In fact, according to the 1in6 Foundation:

“Most people who abuse others were abused as children, but the reverse is not true: Most people abused as children do not go on to abuse others.”

If you are like me, you are a protector of children. So, take it easy on yourself. You don’t need to save children from someone who doesn’t exist.

Children Cannot Consent

I used to believe that I consented to my abuse. For a period of my life, I hated myself for it.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned. Children cannot consent to sexual abuse. Period.

I remember being a child and thinking I was so stupid. How could I fall for his con? At some point in my abuse, his grotesque nature became so apparent that he became a caricature of perversion. I couldn’t see what he presented to the world. I didn’t give him credit for orchestrating the perfect crime.

The world believed he was a good man. He was perceived as a man with integrity. He spent years establishing a place of authority and trust in our community. He was a criminal mastermind committed to his task.

So now, when I look back on the past, I don’t see a stupid kid who was dupped into the biggest mistake of his life anymore. I see a fucking great kid with incredible strength who somehow survived a fucking monster of the worst kind. I see a kid with a bright light that refuses to be extinguished. Surviving manipulation by a criminal mastermind is a shit-ton more powerful than the story I was previously telling myself.

His crime was a well-orchestrated bank heist. He was calculated in every move he made. Even the adults, who were in my life to protect me, didn’t see him coming. Fuck stupid. I’m one powerful motherfucker for surviving that Jedi level of manipulation.

And so are you!

Today Is a New Day

All our past trials, struggles, and triumphs have led us to where we are now. It’s our move, and we have the pen to write the future we desire. It won’t always be easy, but we are built to undergo pressure. We are survivors and can accomplish whatever we set out to do. If you’ve made it this far in this piece, I thank you for hanging in with me.

Never, and I mean never, underestimate who the fuck you are and what you are capable of accomplishing. Others will tell you it can’t be done. Don’t listen to them. You got this shit!

Now let’s get to work!

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I look forward to our collective sharing and growth together as thrivers!